No Woman, No Cry

Ed. note: This post is by Will Meyerhofer, a former Sullivan & Cromwell attorney turned psychotherapist. He holds degrees from Harvard, NYU Law, and The Hunter College School of Social Work, and he blogs at The People’s Therapist. His books — Still Way Worse Than Being A DentistBad Therapist: A RomanceWay Worse Than Being A Dentist, and Life is a Brief Opportunity for Joy (affiliate links) — are available on Amazon.

There’s no getting out of it: This is a column discussing a syndrome in which lawyers (I suspect mostly women lawyers) sometimes cry on the job in what are arguably inappropriate situations, and the often negative (and avoidable) fallout that results.

Maybe I shouldn’t post this one.  It’ll only get me into trouble.  But what the heck — I’m here to talk about what I see and hear happening in the world of law, and darn it, this falls under that heading.

So here goes nothing:

My client had done what a lot of lawyers wind up doing at some point in their careers — tried to get herself fired.

That’s a phenomenon I see all the time in Biglaw — the unconscious attempt to get yourself fired thing.  You can’t rationally convince yourself to quit, but the irrational part of you knows it isn’t about to let you stay, either.  So, in therapist speak, you “act out on unexamined feelings.”  That manifests itself in stuff like complaining about your job a bit too loudly in places that are a bit too public.  Or coming in late.  Or not coming in.  Or just acting weird at the office without owning the fact that people are going to notice and some of them aren’t going to like it.

I urge lawyers, if they have reached that point of no return (the place where you really cannot come back and work at your firm for one more day without losing your shit) then please, go ahead and own it, and make the decision to leave in a conscious way.  It’s best to reframe all aspects of your life as conscious choices, including your career, and put your decision process into words someplace safe (like a psychotherapist’s office) so you can take back your autonomy and be the actor in your own life, instead of acting out on unconscious, unexplored emotions.

You’re allowed to quit.  There will be consequences, especially if you don’t have another job lined up, or are saddled with a heap of school debt.  But everything in life involves a cost/benefit calculus; this is just another one of those things.

The person who most needs to know what’s going on with you, so she can deal with it, is your boss.  That way, instead of wondering what the heck is going on with that associate acting like a lunatic, she can process the news that you want out and, maybe even work together with you to find a solution.

My client freely admitted she’d been broadcasting her discontent to a lot of people — other associates, secretaries, paralegals, word processors, librarians, doc reviewers, you name it.  In fact, if you were with her for more than a few moments, you probably heard how miserable she was, along with a stream of complaints and criticism about her firm.

Sure enough, a partner she worked with eventually took her aside and said, “I’ve been hearing you’re unhappy.  Why don’t we set up a time to talk?”  They agreed my client would come by her office the next morning.

And that’s when my client called me.

Continue reading over at The People’s Therapist…

https://lawyernews.nichesite.org/no-woman-no-cry/

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